Fatty Bombom Chubbs

2012-01-13T23:32:00.006+08:00

Not in the mood to talk. I so suck at words idk why i type.

Short picture update:

Ate tau foo fa at his place days ago

pasta buffet by the lake

dyed my hair, not as bright as it is shown in the pic above, faded after first wash. sigh

random food picture taking at face2face kk

2012-01-07T22:33:00.002+08:00

i've been staring and typing and backspacing for days, and i cant seem to write shit.

truth is i've been feeling lonely. my loneliness comes with anger. so im not sure how i wanna write this without sounding like a bitchass.

im angry because i am lonely.

damnnit the cats at the back make love/give birth. shit ass noisy.

interrupted my flow yo. but doesnt matter, i dont even know what to say. i've been feeling so bitter about people having good social life, and im here drifting between boyf's friends.

im so bitter i hate this. im so negative. i feel so low about myself. no confidence at all these days.

omg all this sounds so damn pathetic. im gonna leave.

2012-01-04T14:02:00.004+08:00

Heya. Yes, the underline machine is back. Grrrrrr.

Bro bro in 2011

Bro bro in 2010. cutie pie :)

Right? right? WHO LOSES WEIGHT WHEN THEY GO ANGMO COUNTRY!! :/ pfft i hope the same happens to me.

2012-01-03T05:17:00.002+08:00

it's currently 5.18am now. I have only slept 3 hours. Woke up super uncomfortable tummy. Tried to vomit the air out but bile came out. urgh.

am drinking eno now. Eno ginger :'( super hard to drink!

Oh it's us! :p

I love that we're just trying and failing and trying and failing, but never giving up. Big drama these days, maybe it's us feeling anxious about me leaving. Hrm, definitely tension tension.

We'll make it through :)

2012-01-02T13:30:00.002+08:00

bought new spectacles
booked flight, leaving on 10th midnight
being on my own lately
it's my 20th year, i feel old. everyday is getting harder to wake up
and, HAPPY 2012

2012-01-01T03:58:00.002+08:00

so it is new year eve- new year. since it's alrdy 4am.

im doing some serious stalking on close friends since i barely talk to any close friends recently.

and im finding out so many things i didnt know and im like, texting close friends about things i didnt know.

GOSH IM SO #FOREVERALONE LOL

Happy new year loves!

2011-12-29T12:11:00.004+08:00

Am superb bored.

Since im bored and i have no more facial appointment since im leaving soon, gotta DIY now.

Did some nose pore cleaning (blackhead & whatnot) and looking like a raindeer now :'(

I have no pimples but i have visible blackheads, even if it's just a little. family has big face pores :/

SO YAH, did mask as well since my nose so red and im bored.

Sometimes i cant believe how fast 19 passed by for me. literally in a blink of an eye. i feel like i wasted my last -teen year :(

and how i still act like im 12 when im gonna be 20 soon. i look too young and act too young to be 20. people still ask me for my identification card -.-

how laaaaa. sheesh. why am i such a kid :(

...

BUAI!

A very merry christmas 2011

2011-12-28T23:45:00.002+08:00

i always loved the thought of angels guarding me;

and also loving tiny bulbs in flowers or balls , so very pretty;

when we cant bring what is real into our homes;

Merry Christmas loves ;

2011-12-27T19:29:00.005+08:00

I have many pictures not uploaded anywhere since i took a break from social sites, except fb. so why not just upload it here lol.

Vain pictures. :)

That night we went out for her bday

where we spent most of the time lost in kl at the back of the car :(

flowers for shine shawne

shaun calls that doll, shaun junior. he pats it sometimes, so cute haha.

Rachel's bday

2011-12-27T17:41:00.010+08:00

before leaving, met up infront of our houses :)

This is, The Hills. super love the place.

andrew!

seriously after uploading all the pictures, IT'S SO HARD TO TELL THE STORY because not all the pictures are with me. damnit. lol. so broken lah. but whatever.

haha yep, definitely loved our present :)

YOURS TRULY

Sloppy burger at The Hills, awesome awesome awesome chillie.

oh and they serve really nice cocktail and mixer drinks. like there were nutella shots, SKITTLES shots, they had a drink called "weed killer" definitely a goner drink lolol.

OH and they had, RED VELVET NUTELLA CAKE IN A CUP.

kc
rach love

DO U DARE DO A CLOSE UP? :p

this is me, being very "Miss emo" because i got ditched by 3 bitchez watching the intense football game :'( , playing with my leftover cake cream, and just sulking, while the boyf enjoy this moment by clicking away the camera. ggrrrr.

oh shit. -.- I HATE HTMLS.

eh ok again, stupid codes. anyway, rach made me laugh. awwwwww laff you max.

Boyf being artistic, going all "pro" and stuff. -.-

yeah, pretty nice lah.

anyway, by now we were just chilling at the loser table while the rest of jocelyn's friends mingle. losers :'( like seriously, we were basically stoning. THIS IS SADDENINGGSS.

cutest couple, some intense football game. lovelove.

this is my signature angle of him HAHAHAH i always take pictures of him in this angle. dunno why.

hello love :)

We put the camera in stretched mode, some weird ratio and position the "object" at the corner of the picture. Macam yes like video shoot. -.-

i call this chain, "key to my heart"

CUTIE PIE

so basically we were just bored off our asses being in loser table. and not to mention getting sleepy wtheck. hahaha. said our goodbyes and went straight home.

2011-12-27T17:31:00.001+08:00

hi, due to my lack of social life these days, i can has NO pictures.

fret not, i can has pictures now!

picture post coming up.

2011-12-27T01:30:00.002+08:00

I feel so invincible these days.

No, i dont wanna stand out in a crowd. i dont wanna be centre of attention. But just not totally invincible.

These days, im like a bore to people. I dont blame people for not noticing, or that i became so anti social. I am so alone now because i am not interesting enough to keep people beside me. For as hard as i try, i still cannot make people laugh anymore, or just keeping a conversation going.

Yes all these are hard for me as i wreck my brain doing it.

and maybe i just gave up talking to people, trying to make friends, trying to bond. so tired.

2011-12-22T21:30:00.003+08:00

Curretnly doing some catching up on devotion. I slacked, ALOT. Sigh.

It's okay because i am trying again. :)

Im at John 6 & 7 tonight.

This is the part where people have seen 2 miracles, and they are asking for more and more miracles, greediness are taking over slowly. And when Jesus revealed who He was, which is the great I AM, people were dumbfounded, they refuse to believe it. they refuse to believe that they were sinners and needed to be saved, and they hated Jesus.

"The world wont hate you, but it hates me because I testify that what it does is evil." John 7:7

Im getting more and more emotional as i read these chapters. Our God is great, His only Son, Jesus, is hated when he is sent to die for our sins.

Sometimes i wonder how can God still love a world like this. We are all showered with God's love. sigh.

----

Spent my day at shine's house.

Life is just too short, and so precious. it's so slippery, we lose grip and we might just slip away, like ice melting, water flowing in and out of our hands, we wont be able to even get a grip of it once the ice melts.

it hurts to see those so close and dear to him in such pain. a mother's loss, a father's grieve, brother's love. a lover's cry, and a friend's heartache. i've seen and felt too much of emotions today, in fact many of us who werent close to the deceased shed tears. i felt too much of love in that house today.

i felt like i was watching a movie. i couldnt feel it until i saw how the actors (family/friends) showed their pain. like when the main character dies, u feel that tinge in your heart.

oh well, back to devotion

2011-12-21T17:54:00.002+08:00

we were merely acquaintances, a hi bye when we met in town, or in malls. partied once or twice with the same group of friends.

he had a bright future, however, gone at such a young age. rest in peace Shine Shawne.

"For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him." -1 Thessalonians 4

tiny testimony

2011-12-15T18:05:00.004+08:00

just as i was abit slippery these days, i have received yet another blessing!

semester 1, i was struggling. no i wasnt struggling with grades, im an average student trying to make it in the aussie elite's schools. so yes, my goal this year was above average credits when other ppl are just hoping to pass.

semester 1, before exams i couldnt eat, and if i ate, i puked so much. i couldnt sleep for hours. i would study like crazy but nothing seem to go in. anxiety hit me hard. my heart would race for hours. i cried for no reason. alas, i had a 72% average. which barely hit the mark of Uni of Western Australia -70%

semester 2, i prayed. i prayed so hard for Jesus to guide me and make me calm. i didnt wanna care that much if i didnt get in UniWA. i just wanna do my best. i dont wanna push too much. so for every paper, i went to school 15-30 mins earlier. to pray. i didnt look at my notes, i just focused on praying, because i know once i panic, and anxiety hits me, im gone.

i prayed right till we were asked to start writing. i did my best, and i know God was beside me, making sure my emotions were stable.

but in the end, i didnt get the result i wanted. i had 3 credits, 1 distinction. 65% , i had fell more than 5%.

nevertheless, a combined average gave me 68%.

this left me really, in distraught. i know i tried my best and there was nothing i would change. i had a hard time not blaming God, but i did it, i nvr blamed Him. i took it as a sign. i would follow whichever way the current flow.

i submitted my result to my chosen uni. i doubled my miracle seed few days back. and i prayed.

I. FREAKING. GOT. IN.

The power of praying gave me peace and calm so i glide through my papers. and till now it is still the thing that matters most to me because God was there for me. i didnt puke, i didnt stop eating, i didnt stop myself from relaxing, because i know GOD IS THERE FOR ME.

and when God did u a favour, and u needed another one, and He didnt give you somehow, dont ever lose faith. because, greater things will come eventually.

AMEN! :D

memories, very precious.

2011-12-09T22:00:00.004+08:00

this blog isnt dead. im just too preoccupied with my messed up life lately :( no time for thinking, no time for letting things flow into my mind.

im leaving for spore tomorrow, again!

i've been slacking around waking up super late which made mum explode today.

i've yet to get accepted to any uni, which makes me anxious. pray pray PRAY that i get in my first choice. becauseeee.. results aint as good as expected. dont know if agent was fooling/comforting me cause apparently she said my batch percentage dropped.

oh well, i know God guided me through my exams or not i would have failed. so Praise God :)

i've also been spending a tad bit too much. on clothes. that when i cleared my room today, i had 3 big bags of old clothes to be donated, guilty, as charged. (so punny HAHA)

another thing is i cleared A WHOLE LOT of junk from my room today. 5 bags of rubbish. BIG BAGS OK like, like, the blue rubbish bag ur momma used to store rubbish.

I am, a certified horder. You will see me in "The Horders" next time. :'(

anyways, as i was sifting through rubbish in my room, and my bday card collection, i found letters from flings, exboyfs, bestfriends, and what not letters. i even kept my first surat amaran. oh god. ahahaha. yeah, this is the thing about horders. we keep everything because there's bits and pieces of memory from everything we own.

but these letters, tore from our exercise books we had in school, are priceless. it shows how we communicated, the language, the tone. such memories. and even if you'd drifted apart from them over the years, it doesnt matter. memories are just full of.. warmth. it really brings you back right when you experienced high school. come on, how often can you say, i feel what u feel. yeah exactly, no one can give you that exact feeling, except memories, only in memories we know how we felt at that particular moment. and that thought tickles me because only i know the story and how it went in my head. words cannot always show the exact emotions.

i wouldnt agree if you said we should throw and burn all these love letters from past love just because it ended badly. these letters, really is valuable. it speaks the feelings we had when we were that age. it was a lesson worth learning. not rekindling the fire, just reminiscing ..

i wouldnt know where i wanna keep this box of letters and my bday board. boyf suggested i bury it. mmm. i dont know but all i know is i hope to keep this till the day i opened it with wrinkled hands.

2011-12-01T21:30:00.003+08:00

whether it's one day or 10 years that you've received Christ, i dont think anyone should take timing as a comparison to faith levels. no one should compare like that and say oh im a better christian.

im angry/sad . i dont know.

i owe it to Jesus. i owe it to Him. i have been blessed with care and attention. He came to me when i was left with nothing. and when my world was pitch black, with tears everynight on my pillow case, cuts on my hand, tempers flarring, so imperfect. He came to my rescue. He is my definition of My Lord, My Saviour. From across the globe, someone prayed for me. Because Jesus asked her to. i am lucky because other people had no miracles when they needed a boost in faith, not everyone have this chance. i asked for it, and i see it happening.

i know i am in no position to 'repay'. no obligation to. but for what He has done, im thanking every single day. and no one should even judge the "christian" i have in me.

my bible knowledge is not good, i know not much of Jesus. but im working hard on it. and all i know is i trust in Him with my life. i have strong faith. and i am trying hard everyday for Him. sometimes it's hard for me to explain in words of my reasons. sigh.

show me when the time is right.

2011-11-29T10:52:00.003+08:00

Facebook is being difficult. Cant seem to upload my pictures. Oh well, gotta wait.

Iloved the trip. i loved singapore. i loved the time i spent with my daddymommykins

Really festive mood over there

2011-11-23T20:01:00.003+08:00

sucha loserrr.

i need to start reading the bible! gahh. i wanna get closer to God. i wanna spend more time with God, my Saviour :)

Had a super long talk with a friend yday. she told me about doing devotion at least an hour everyday.

so yesssss, need to starttttttt, boo.

2011-11-23T14:29:00.004+08:00

hello dear blog. the stats goes crazy and i dont even know if there's like a bug refreshing my page. so i'll assume no one reads this.

hello dear blog.

i will be leaving to singapore tomorrow. my parents love singapore in many many ways. it isnt a matter of patriotism i think.

k i just backspaced a whole essay on this issue.

there is no way, that, freedom of speech, or should i say, kebebasan bersuara from the moral nilai i was forced to memorize is actually what it says it should be.

we read newspaper for the truth, and i realized that many of us ought to shut up about what we truly stand for. but, no one can control how widely spread is the world wide web.

dont get me wrong, i love this country for what it has, from the food, to the many culture. the land -so beautiful. i am proud that the sports teams in this country achieve something. however, economically, security.. .....

i realized that this is what it does. knowledge. the more you know, the more you realize what really is going on around you. when you study moral or sejarah, you realize what rules and regulations on rights and equality made way back when everything is black and white, well, you finish the sentence :)

when i started venturing into economics this year, i realized where this country stand and what the budget means. it isnt something you just make up in your mind based on how negative you look at this issue, it's really truly on the knowledge you have that makes you make the judgement.

no one is blind when they pick a side.

----

Here in my life

2011-11-16T21:22:00.003+08:00

"At your word Lord, i'll receive Your faith to walk on ocean deep

And i remember how You found me

In the very same place,

All my failing, surely would've drowned me

but still You made a way"

How God found me this year, i will never ever ever ever ever ever ever forget.

I can never ever ever forget how i felt that very moment. I will never ever ever forget how it happened.

That day onwards, i believe that nothing is a coincidence when it comes to God.

How important it is to pray for people. because i was being prayed for.

This is how my faith level increased so much in such a short time with just a miracle from God Himself.

I was forgiven for one particular sin i commited before, and i can never forget that night when i cried, not out of guilt, but out of thankfulness and because of feeling His presence, of how i was lifted from the guilt i felt before, that i will go on with my life, forgiven. even if i wasnt forgiven in the eyes of others, i was forgiven by God and that is enough for me. more than enough.

Goodnight.

super duper late birthday post

2011-11-16T09:45:00.004+08:00

im sorry this had to be a public super belated birthday post

(though it's like a flashback kind)

hi,

i didnt wanna just wish you happy bday, i wanted to do smtg special! im sorry im one month and 10 days late. i didnt forget your bday, i was too caught up with work and finals and i didnt wanna be wishing so casually. srsly ok i got reminder one and it's still here after one month HAHA

you've been a med/dental student for like, 2 years now? so get ready for lots of reading HAHA dont care must read every word.

you are probably my longest close friend, i wish time could turn back and we were still fighting among each other about the silliest stuff. i also wish we could still cycle all over kk when kk was still half a plantation area and mud everywhere hahaa. i still remember we wanted a playhouse so badly, we found one outside a Datuk's house in oncidium and we would sneak in there for weeks.

i remember we played catching, and i dont know what else nonsense. i remember u always created new games in the afternoon and we would play it in the evening. you were always the most creative one.

you were also the nature loving kid. when me and carl lyn talks about idk some stupid boys and our nails or smtg you would be looking at plants. and u know so much more about the things around us at that age and we'll all go like, wow 0.0 WHY ARE WE SO CUTE :3

and i know younger we all were always together but i was closer to your sis. and i rmb we liked annoying you because you wont get angry HAHA i rmb once i stayed over and we were laughing so much LIKE REALLY SO MUCH OF LAUGHING that u ask us shut up or smtg HAHA you so nice to annoy lah HAHAHA

GAH I MISS YOU.

that was during primary.

then came secondary.

during secondary, super glad that we still stick like glue, up till form 3.

the same bus, same transport, same tuition. you introduced me to many of your friends. there was once i wanted so badly to switch to SU. no joke haha i think i didnt tell you that but i always asked my mom if i could switch. for a period of time.

we were literally backing up for each other. whether on boys, or on parents. shit we're like sisterzzzz HAHAHAH

remember once we kena KANTOI BADLY from my mom. like it was the most epic shit ever to run into my mom in the middle of the road when we were suppose to be in 'tuition' HAHAHA

and every holiday you would come over EVERY DAY and honestly i forgot what we did. computer i think haha.

i like how outgoing you are. envy srsly.

basketball, volleyball, running, having posts on clubs. always envied. :)

you were the independent one. even my parents says so like why my daughter not like that T.T grrr

and also vry stubborn haha. if you want something done, you will get it no matter what/how. freaks me sometimes HAHAHAH

we grew apart during form4. but i doubt anything between us change. NOTHING can take all that we've been through away from my memory. super precious. :D

i know we've nvr really talked since u left india, im sorry i couldnt balance my time well. few times that you called when u were back i was sleeping.

but im super glad you adapted well to india. i know you will. since young, i knew you could adapt to things, and find your own way even if you're alone.

and i know you're gonna do super well in your studies and gonna be checking my teeth nxt time :)

happy belated birthday babe. sorry this is super late. but just let all that memories flow back for 5 mins.

2011-11-15T09:25:00.000+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=7y2KsU_dhwI

#jews #Jesus #abortion #AdolfHitler

this guy changed at least 5 people's mind about Christianity and abortion in half an hour.

amazing.

a joke will never hurt more than when it's actually a painful truth

2011-11-13T21:24:00.005+08:00

i was away from society for so long , people say it's because i have a boyfriend, and i only stick to my boyfriend. sometimes, i wish they saw that i had no choice when i tried all i can.

i got hurt from a joke someone made recently. i didnt like it at all, and it hurt me. isit wrong to feel this way? that i cant take a joke? but why would someone make a joke out of something that is actually the painful truth i had to overcome for months. and he dig it out when i trusted him enough to tell him months ago, and make a joke out of it.

i've forgotten how cruel society can be. i've forgotten that people lie, people tell other people your problems and make it cnn news, people dont appreciate,

i've forgotten all this about society. ugly society

this time, i didnt tell the person off. didnt fire off 100 tweets about it.

when things like this happen, it makes me go back to my shell. where i be alone and not try to venture out because when i do, this happens and i get hurt by tiny things.

i need to be stronger than this.

#nowplaying- I Believe

2011-11-13T11:12:00.003+08:00

this was the last outing for us before twinsey left for US, and sometimes i really really wish she was back home in malaysia.

stay strong babe, YOU CAN DO DIZZZZ. i know you can because it's not the impossible. :)

love ya, xo

p/s

btwbtw, how's my new blogskin :p ripped it off blogger as well, kinda bored w plain.

2011-11-13T02:03:00.008+08:00

im going to say this as how my understanding goes.

i've seen too many negative comments on youtube and cant help but think why would ppl attack churches on what the leader of the church does.. all the bad things that leader of churches did.

how can they take that out as their argument when we are taught to understand that we are all born sinners. because of the righteousness of God we are forgiven of our sins. how can we all be PERFECT when we are taught that only GOD is the one perfect. and not us.

how can they use that as their argument? leaders of churches who commited sins, that's bad name to themselves. they couldnt pass the hurdle. they lost faith. how can they possibly use that as an excuse not believing in God and saying all this is bullshit?

God is who we look to. God is our role model. God is the only way to righteousness. Those are preachers who only preach the word of God. what sins they commit does not affect how we all think of God. no?

they say that, religion makes u sick and full of greed.

what did i learn in just, 2 months of going to church?

LUST AND GREED, are satan. they have committed sins like that because satan challenged you and got to you. God doesnt make u that way. satan did. so how can they blame Christianity for making ppl greedy and sick?

because even the most self proclaimed perfect person WILL make mistakes.

who said being a christian makes u perfect? no one did. but it will make u a better person, a happier life. provided that u dont give in to satan.

Jesus loves me and that's why i understand these at this very moment. I truly believe He waited for the right timing. when i chose my own path, and i fell, He came through many ways waited for the perfect time, and then here i am, with faith. the only thing i wanted, but i got much much more as i believe more and more. because the wrong timing would have unstable faith for me.

i rmb one sermon, the pastor said, God is fair. He gave us a choice. we can either walk our own way which we think is best, or we can go with His way, His path.

what happened to me when i chose my own path i know very well.

i also rmb someone telling me this, Christianity is not just a religion, it's a relationship with God. which is what makes this so special. how can preachers' bad actions affect what u think of Christ when what is most important is your relationship with God.

you dont go and care what your friend says bout how bad your relationships with your girl/boyf, as long as you love your partner what. if you can do that with a normal person, why cant u do that with God?

17th monthsary

2011-11-11T22:03:00.004+08:00

GREETINGZ FROM THE WOMAN WHO FINISHED HER FIRST YR DEGREE

I wouldnt say im experienced in relationships since none lasted longer than 2 pathetic years haha, i wouldnt say i know every twist & turns in relationships but i can be sure of this ; i know what i want in a relationship.

i wouldnt say this relationship would last forever, but deep inside, i want it to last till forever. i wouldnt be 100% sure because honestly, im scared God would take him away one day, for whatever reasons

and also, i wouldnt be sure because there's no major changes in our relationship. i know im easily influenced by my surroundings. if i have a change in lifestyle, it could affect how i treat my current relationship. that was one yr ago.. close to 2 yrs. hoping hard i am more stable now, in terms of my personality and lifestyle lol

my last relationship was close, but because of a.. of a.. hrm, change in lifestyle, we both grew up differently. it's hard when u transition a relationship, and ex and i didnt hold on to what we have strong enough.

this time, made sure i took what i learn and apply to this relationship.

we both know what we want, we both know where we wanna take this to, we both practically live in each other's lives, and we fight for each other. most importantly, we put God first. i really really love how things are between us now.

i wouldnt say we're perfect as hell because we do fight like kids like 'i hate you' kind. we both do shout at each other. we both have super duper dramatic side of us like literally like what u see in movies that we dont show to others.

we fight like nobody's business yelling and cursing. bt what do i see at the end of the day? no tears, can make up for this lifetime of happiness he could bring to my life. it is never a 'im a girl i get to do this that', he also gives up, and needs me to beg him come back, and i also give up sometimes. we never let it happen two at a time. and yeah, we're also the break up kind. i lost count on the 3rd month HAHAHA but we know what anger can do to words spoken, and we always forgive.

he thought me how to forgive, because he forgives me for every mean thing i said during fights, cause i use words to hurt him back i know. he doesnt care how i say sorry, as long as i feel sorry, or just one word sorry and im forgiven.

he doesnt show this but God plays a bigger part in his life than anyone knows. he's the one who reminds me to pray when i tell him im scared, or im sad. he's the one who teach me how to forgive because that's what he learn from God. it's sad to know i only know this side of him ever since i accepted Christ. before this, i didnt know.

but what my main point now is that, i know what i want. i really do.

mom stopped me from having any kind of crushes/relationships when i was in high school. because she knows the pain and she knows im too young to handle when boys hurt. but i took matters to my own hands. i dated, i flirt, i got lied to, got cheated, got dumped, had stupid crushes

and i never regretted any of it.

it helped me learn to accept things and get over people/feelings. i learn what feelings are, and whats the difference between love and like. i learn that, at 15 i wanted an open relationship because i didnt wanna commit, at 15 i learn how guys lie to 2 girls at once

i learn that at 15, what sweet talks really are. and truthfully? up till now, from that moment onward, i back out when guys starts sweet talking, like i would just go cold and i'll be like uhh okay, the trust? gone. i mean, we're girls, i know what girls like. they like being pampered, being spoke sweet words to. but there's a catch to it. u risk the trust.

at 15 i almost dated my bestfriend, backed out because i liked being sweet talked to. what happen u ask? it never worked out.

to me, communication have always been the key. no chemistry? thats it i wont go any further. cause i also learnt, how important chemistry is for a relationship to work. how painful it was to have a quiet phone call everyday bt somehow u just like this guy so much because of some simple sweet msgs he sent you at the begining of how u both met. painful for me to get dumped and because there's no point no reason for me to fight for the relationship.

shaun and i never sweet talk. yeah we do, struggle one sentence and then we'll say it's time to retire. LOL yeah, happens all the time *shameful

how did i fall for him? because he's there to listen. and talk to me about my problems. there was no lovey dovey miss you kind before we got together. there was no, aww awww shiz going on before we got together. he won my trust even before we got together. i rmb at that point it was still hard for me to trust, and some flirty fling going on w another guy

he did it without any flowers, any surprises, no sweet talks, no sweet letters, just by talking and listening + great chemistry

PLS TAKE NOTE HE UNTIL NOW NEVER GIVE ME FLOWERS

eventhough i force him. like today. :'(

stupid boy WHEN WILL I GET MY FLOWER WAIT FOR 1 AND A HALF YR ALRDY

2011-11-09T20:05:00.003+08:00

huhuhu i edited! i saw ppl do like this, so i also wanna learn wtf HAHA fun mah :( and it makes pictures look nicer halo dont deny pls.

though not satsified cause of how the camera zoomed. couldnt take any closer cause stupid wide angle lens :/

2011-11-09T18:01:00.002+08:00

suddenly feeling super down. feels like im not giving my best for this semester. just giving a boarderline thing.

suddenly feeling like i dont wanna going australia.

whatever, bye.

it's very stupid useless post, i warned you.

2011-11-07T23:38:00.005+08:00

I ACTUALLY HAD 3 DAYS TO STUDY AND I ONLY STARTED LIKE, ON THE 3RD DAY, AND I ALSO WASTED THE 3RD DAY'S MORNING. HOMG. WHICH IS NOW LAH 3RD DAY.

WAI AM I LAIKE DIS. T.T

NOW IM LIKE, DOING MY FACIAL, AND MY HAIR. -TAKING A BREAK FROM BOOKS (SO DAMN UNNECCESARY)

I AM SO RIDICULOUS

so this funny thing happened, few years back, when i had no idea bout christianity and all that, my friend brought me to planet shaker's some event lah. and i blurblur just go, WAS FUN THOUGH.

then this song came up, i just rmb the word "i believe i believe" idk why i couldnt find the song for so many years. i rmb i was like.. idk? 16? 15?

FOR YEARS, AND THEN YDAY I FOUND IT.

what's funny is, as i was browsing through other songs, i found one i fell in love with, AGAIN.

AND TODAY I LOST THE SONG, AGAIN.

dunno how many years will take for me to find hahaha i just know it was so emotional for me i feel so nice spiritually if u could put it that way.

cause then again, i rmbed one part, "You are, My God, the great I Am, You are the rock in which i stand hahah. k i go find now.

k found it,

Lift You High- Planetshakers GREAT SONG

zomg im so hyper, i ate traffic light icecream. empty calories, but full of sugar. :p addicted cause of lizen. but the weird thing bout this icecream, or popsicle, it leaves a plastic kinda after taste. which is just so wrong. like i ate plastic but i enjoyed the process. mmmmm.

I AM SO RIDICULOUS SOMETIMES LOL

2011-11-07T09:01:00.003+08:00

these are from vietnam i took. though i was scared the whole time being in a country that speaks a different language.. my dad forced me to go out the streets and take some pictures that shows culture. definitely worth it.

will upload the rest i took when i have time.

"God is my shepherd, and i shall not want"

2011-11-06T20:00:00.006+08:00

vietnam al fresco restaurant, beautiful

flower ;

flower parade

miss my trip with daddy alone in vietnam.
all not edited dunno why so damn nice :3

hi! :) great day at church and after church. followed shaun daddy and shaun to digital mall to look at geeky stuff which hrm not too bad since im also into techy stuff. provided got many colour and all that haha. ate twice :3

ahh, they eat so little but so many times a day! whole family! lol ishhh so nice their metabolism.

after church, shaun daddy was really in a mood to talk hahah.

so he said this, which i kept on reminding myself to remember so i can write it down. which goes smtg like this, (which i altered the tiny non important words)

"many people in the world, they try to reason the Bible and religion. but they can never get it after flipping through pages after pages in the Bible, because they have no Faith. Even believers cannot understand a passage in the Bible even after reading 100 times but on the 101th time, Holy Spirit might just hit you and there you go, you understand it, faith."

they say that, everytime u read the Bible, the same passage may mean a different meaning to you. amazing huh? but do u control WHAT thought comes to your mind? do u control WHAT u WANT to think? right right?

and i quote papa cheng, "it is never by coincidence you happen to be at that sermon, and so happen, you get touched by the Holy Spirit. It's all arranged by God Himself"

This is why, i never understood last time why believers can just put everything in God's hands and just believe everything that has to do with Jesus. It's because of Faith. I used to analyze the bible, i used to reason it out. i know how non-believers think. they read the bible and they try to reason with believers. because i did that myself last time. i question christians why this and why that, and i have counter attack, but it says here blablabla.

truth is, they cant explain to you and they cant expect you to understand what they have. because it's about Holy Spirit and when God arranged for you to get touched, and bam, there, you finally understood.

*edit*

and fruit for thought, u cant reason with a believer on something you dont understand, bt then again, the main reason why ppl analyze the bible and the whole religion right? but get this, it isnt bout reading the bible like a normal book when u think it's just a dead book. uncle said, "the Bible is a living Bible". how are u understanding when u dont have the FAITH to understand and believe that it is a living Bible? :) am super glad i get to hear all these amazing preaching and understand how wrong i was before, Praise God :) *edit end*

I also believe there's a reason i never attended this week's saturday Youth. :) maybe this is why

and through the talks uncle gave, i realize i might need to start reading the bible :p

till then, xo

2011-11-05T17:37:00.002+08:00

what makes priorities, priorities? does it have to be a concrete reason for you to let go the rest of the lesser important things in your life? or maybe, just because?

confused, and angry.

does it have to be about life and death before you let go the rest? or do you judge it based on your feelings? like, okay i think i should let go cause hrm the "lesser" important things i just dont feel like doing today.

or a concrete reason?

if it's based on a concrete reason, then wouldnt it make your top priority, not that important anymore? i dont know.

not being someone's priority when you've been in that place really gives you a little rocky shaky feeling. like a solid placed rock is about the fall because of a tiny space made. that tiny space, is what you lost. and then the shaky rock would position itself in a new position. maybe, something to fill the space.

Now Playing- Here in my life

2011-11-05T00:13:00.006+08:00

hallooooo little munchkinssssss.

*cricket sound*

so anyways, i took a break off books today, just couldnt take all of that load of info. did my own facial since i kept missing my appointment and they stoppe

d calling *ooops

---

Why i love my mummy.

DIZ IZ MUMMYKINSS

Because she tries very hard to keep up to date, because she doesnt work and her whole life is dedicated to me and my bro and my daddy. she stopped working and she hold any ultra degree. (i think), sometimes i feel sad that she had to try so hard. like, getting facebook. and not knowing how to use certain electronic devices and she asks question many many times. through this i managed to learn patience in teaching LOL

Because she changed for us. My mom used to have a LITTLE OCD even if she denies this because, i know. the pillows must be put right, we MUST make our beds everyday no matter if we slept in the afternoon, tables that has scattered little things would make her feel frustrated. i know my mom and im thankful she improved. she says i will be a hoarder when i have my own place. you know the Horders? on some astro channel where these women, ends up living with many animals and feaces, and piles of boxes everywhere and u cant find the bed? yeah, because me and my brother share toilet and we have a habit of not throwing empty bottles and we'll just let it pile up there :3 BUT THE POINT IS, she used to get really mad at us when things are not prim and proper at home, we were young, and we didnt understand why everything must be so tidy when we go to friend's house to play, their house was never this tidy and yet their parents are okay with it.

Because she's just too cute sometimes. There's many things she does that's just so cute with no apparent reason; like that day, i texted her earlier asking where is she. she was in the backroom and i found her, she came to the living room where i was at, looked at her phone and replied me, WHILE I WAS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO HER. GAHHHHHH. CUTENESS MAX.

Because she let loose and accepted that there will be a boy in my life sooner or later. when i was younger, she would take my phone if she found out of any boy-texting shiz going on. im happy she's super nice to shaun. im happy and thankful :)

Because eventhough she's a stay home mom, who dont use the internet, dont read the newspaper, dont work, but, she's still able to prove to me that she will always be knowledgeable and i truly respect her for that. the things she taught me, and will teach me, will never end. these are things that the teacher wont teach you, you wont learn it anywhere. she teaches me basic things in life. to cook, basic common sense in kitchen utensils and what not which i lack; like that day, i got lectured real bad because she said i hang clothes the wrong way. though i dont know what it means, bt i think it kinda makes life easier hanging clothes if i did it her way? ahah

Because the fact that i look up to her taste. fashion & design wise. She learned her own make up cause grandma nvr taught her and without the youtube michelle phan stuff lol she just learned by dabbing stuff on her face, she chose my clothes better than i do and that people actually tells me, hey that's a nice outfit :x and also she decorates houses so nice i always think she should start a business. i wish she was given a chance to do that. she would do great in it plus it's smtg she enjoys. my house paint, she mixed it herself and ppl actually ask what colour isit. her decoration in dad's spore house made his boss wanted her to design his interior.

*the clothing i wearing in the above picture, SHE CHOSE FOR ME AJSGDFHASGFDAHSG :)

Because i also look up and admire her independence. My parents were in a Long Distance Relationship ever since she was pregnant with me. (oh did i mention, my parents were part of the ones that gives me faith for LDR) my dad was a sailor so after i was born, well yeah i sailed the ship a few times, but after i started kindie, we had to stay home. and even during pregnancy with me, she was always living alone in subang. can u just imagine that? i dont even dare to live alone at home for 4 days but she lived alone waiting for my dad to come back for 4-6 months! with a baby. but no, im not saying my dad had no responsibility in raising me up but he does come back once every 6 months back then. and in the meantime, she does everything herself. this is how strong my mom is and i truly respect her for that. and she fit in to new surroundings very fast. she would find her way around, and all that.

IF SHE EVER FINDS THIS ONE DAY SHE'S GONNA IDK BUTCHER ME INTO PIECES. :3

LOVE MAH MUMMEH.

delayed bday post HAHAHAHAH. xx

2011-11-04T12:34:00.004+08:00

ah, my face is just terrible.

hi, sooo. i realized it's hard to blog when i dont have much in mind. like a theme.. kinda thing. hrm. i mean i do enjoy writting, cause i like letting my thoughts out. but since i made this blog public few days ago, i figured i need juicy stuff.

BUT, im too lazy for that for now. so whatever i have in mind, blahh.

yknow in relationships, im talking about girl-boy, husband wife, family, friendship kind.

through what i've seen, i know they say avoid a fight, take a step back, wont do no harm letting your ego down.

but u know, u can never ever take words, literally. because of this, there's some kind of people who will never ever understand your actions, they will never appreciate how tough it is for you to back down and admit you lose, on no condition, when you obviously are not at fault. these kind of people makes you lose hope because of who you are in their life and where you stand in their eyes. when you try so hard to to put that ego down, put your temper down, and they dont appreciate it because of just WHERE you stand in their life.

positions/values are such a fine line. if you have a place in their life, everything would work out. if they start to give up, boom, gone, no matter how hard you try.

when you change, they wont see it because you're just not important anymore.

this is how we all are. to objects, to other human beings. no one can place the exact same value on every single person we meet in our lives. because it's all feelings. whether you love the person, or how much you care for the person because this person means something to you. but feelings are just so uncontrollable. and it's sensitive issue. you cant blame someone for not loving you, you cant blame someone for leaving because feelings change. you cant blame someone when they stop caring because really, you only own your life, not others. there's just no parties that takes this blame, because you cant force feelings.

that's how thin this line is, that's how fragile this line is, and that's how important feelings (in terms of affection) are. when you have it, take it, and mend it. appreciate when you HAVE the chance to back down. you're in control of your own feelings (in terms of temper and stuff), you're in control of your thoughts.

thats why it's all up to you to make the judgement, how important are you to this person cause if you're not, then, putting so much effort would not make a difference. because relationships of any kind, is a two way thing. there's give and take and vice versa, but if there's one side giving, and no one taking, then there's no point.. yeah? hrm.

im sad about things that's going on around me.

how i wish things were back to how it used to be, i miss you very much.

2011-11-02T13:05:00.007+08:00

p/s it's actually the freaaking first time im posing like this. dont laugh

OH HAI! i had to redo this post. idk why im so free when i have a paper on friday! :(

maybe im just using an excuse to avoid books. ah oh well. shot these earlier. figured i had to clean the dust of my tripod. i know i dont deserve such a good camer

a cause honestly i know my pictures are like, omg it's a chair, must take -.- yknow? hahah. im not

good enough to own this camera. BUT, since i bought it, imma make good use out of it.

GAHAHAHAH *hidesface

whatchu think? looks abit stretched? hrm

but then again, i needed a break from books. i know this is super wasting time, BUT, whatevssss! :) keeps me calm. not panicking.

the thing about my camera is, i bought it with the wide angle lens, FOR SCENERY T.T always wished i had the portrait lens. prolly get it end of this year. hrm, we'll see. :)

and hell yeah i agree with you. i so damn suck at posing. huhu.

some people are just born to look and admire at good portrait pictures HAHA but twas fun though! teehee

O BAIIIIII!

#chappedlips #singleeyelid #happy

2011-11-02T01:12:00.002+08:00

i love you mommy.

2011-11-01T23:06:00.006+08:00

Im taking a break from Econs. Though i've only been flipping through for 2 hours.

---

Im really disappointed with myself for Marketing. I didnt do my best, i know. The questions actually were in my head before i even went to the exam room. I wasnt certain, but somehow i managed to predict. Though just what topic. But although

that thought was in my mind, i didnt make an effort to answer the questions before i went in the room. Looked at the question, 2 hours is all i got, and i blew it. Half the time, i was staring blankly at my question. My important points were everywhere. Ended up missing out so much, ended up ending my answers with point form. Left out many other points. But then i thank God for guiding me through the whole exam. I managed to do it with peace, no panic. Jokingly told boyf i was too calm that i forgot alot. But if i panicked, i would have been blank. What a prayer can do. Haih, but i didnt give my best despite given so much.. so much of clues. Regrets, will always be regrets. Close one eye, and forget about it.

---

i wanna give a little update about this week. This week, parents weren't home. I was scared every waking moment cause i watched paranormal activity, and it took days for me to get over it. Like, i couldn't sleep cause i woke up to every little noise my cupboard makes, and just, many more. Plus, i was freaked out by robberies happening. damnit im such a chicken how to stay alone next time -.-

I stayed at boyf's <3

Many thanks to mommy cheng who let me stay the room downstairs so comfy HAHA and dinner everyday. and a place to study. ahhhh, the love. :3

Thank you to boyf who slept at the hall few days cause he scared i scared of sleeping alone downstairs. thank you boo never molest me HAHAHAH definitely grateful he stayed up so many nights to teman me study.

i thank God for taking care of me. for placing these people in my life. and also for keeping my parents safe and happy throughout the trip.

im never good at physical love. im never good at hugging and being so cuddly with people because of how i was brought up. i was only cuddly with daddykins. who still gives me hugs everyweek before he leaves for work. mom and i were never physically close. that though, is a story for another day. bt im glad we're on happy happy terms now. which comes to this point, i dont know how to thank family cheng, for what they offered was more than just the food, the place to rest my head. it was so much more. IM JUST SUCH AN AWKWARD PERSON LAH. :'(

ah oh well, back to studies. first paper gone case, i have 3 more chances.

oh? my doggie :) which i grew super close to this year because mom always goes for trips and leave the house and this baby here with me.

and everytime she leaves, HE HAS TO FALL SICK. external sick, cause he has skin disease :'(

he's getting worse, and i love this baby so much. i remember when my grandma passed away, first thing me and bro did was went down and bring him out. it was stupid cause he was looking at us with this face. we always laugh at this face cause it's just so dumb. haha. no expression whatsoever. just looking u in the eye, and just staring at u for so long. just stupid.

i love you very much baby ollie. wish we met earlier. wish we took u in when u were a baby. but still, a "good luck" dog because you came to our house when it was the first day of cny.

i feel like i have a vry deep connection with him. he's there when i feel lonely. u know at times u just feel like u need just a presence there with you? yeah, he's the one there with me. no matter if he's sitting there, or just sleeping, or chewing his paws off. -.- feels like he listens sometimes.

2011-10-27T17:19:00.002+08:00

BOO!

dunno why i rubbing my eye until swollen. as in, i have cuts. not bloody cuts, but just skin tear T.T summore eye can still so itchy. summore must scratch.

UNPRODUCTIVE AGAIN.

i dont know unproductive, or i just have too much time and im taking it slow (i can).

if u get what i mean. when u start late, and u rush, and u can cover 10 chapters in one day because your exam is just one week away. you think you did a major accomplishment.

scenario 2,

u do 10 chapters spreaded out in 2 weeks because u have the time. 1/2 chapters a day.

so yeah, torn in between. i dunno am i really lazy and not productive or i really started early this sem. argh. scared.

feeling unprepared, 4 more days.

2011-10-27T12:42:00.004+08:00

hollas! pic from phone.

i really really NEED to take out my camera soon. growing dust, not to mention, battery dead, lost charger. like wasted dad's moolahs.

that's the attic in my house btw. studying in the attic today. :) better oxygen maybe lolols

ok this is just, i wanted to be cool and include a paranormal poster, googled, then all the demon face footage from movie came out fml dunno where my mom. i go find my dog.

no picture. pfft.

yesterday's dream was just omg. watched a ghost movie right, but i dreamt of something even more scary. i was being harrassed by some stalker. they had a website about me and have all my family details, eg. bank account, daily routine. it was like, in a pink paper. HAHA

WHATEVS. traumatized. not to mention oncidium alot of robbery cases lately. they attack when you least expect (8am/8pm) when everyone is home. and stalks you for days. gone are the days where robbers raid the place when NO ONE is home. now they raid when everyone is home, to get every single gold stash you have. and they come in a super duper nice car. drives out letting everyone see their car (there were line dancing aunties that hour)

how time has changed.

2011-10-27T03:45:00.002+08:00

i really wanna be better for God. i wanna do my best for God.

i love testimonials where God sends really strong personal msgs. i envy.

---

watched paranormal activity. during a study break. i needed a break from books, before i go crazy. we're all always curious. all curious cats. end up scaring ourselves silly.

came home after the movie, i had my own hilarious drama scene too. boyf had to stop the engine and walk into my garden and wait for me there until i ran into the house. -.-

what to do, curious what. drama. haha

straight went talking to anyone who is willing to talk at 2am hahah. just to get my mind off things. listened to worship songs while i cleaned up.

watched testimonials. i love love love hearing testimonials. where God talks to them. i mean, so far, God has given so much of His presence to me. i have many more years ahead of me and im sure i would receive a msg from God soon. i will hear from Him soon.

commitment is smtg very big for me. i value every lil thing that needs my commitment. because commitment works both ways. i wanna be committed to this for as long as i live. i have failed to commit to God for so many years. i want this time to work :)

post is so choppy. like so disconnected. sleepy lah. nighties.

2011-10-25T22:00:00.009+08:00

Okeh, i know i damn lebih with so many posts lolis.

but! first post, i think it was super duper perfect cause it's a letter to God!(or rather a post ABOUT God and what He has done for me lol) :) PERFECT SPOT.

and thennnn, i have a rant, which is, well, OK WHAT. for ~~quitting~~ missing from the blogsphere. i remembered what i said on my last post, i was out for a period of soul searching, before i presented myself in public again.

now a picture post!

omg this is like super duper small -.-

i forgot the width i used to use. -.-

omg cant even see shit -.-

*edit edit k i found the numbers*

ok whatever, the people i've been missing terribly. thanks for giving me the best few months. :) i was truly the happiest. it was all i needed to stand back up.

the past few months, the 'better' months lols, i ate jap buffets (many many times), i traveled to a beach for the very first time with friends, experienced starry nights and just really taking the super duper scenery all in by a hammock, i got addicted to starbucks (from dont-even-know-how-to-order, to owning my very own starbucks tumblah!), lost some weight for the bikini(though i gained it all back now), i went to kl with my darlings (few times), my brother came back (twice! and not to mention, he's also becoming a better person, i see improvements), last bt definitely NOT the least, i've introduced boyfie to the Lee's!,

NYAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH success

ohh, i miss this bunch tooooo :'( feels like we're all in a different country now(only 2 though). it was a damn good 2 years practically in each other's faces everyday.

the picture quality so funny :3 cause this was all taken before i had my super duper ultra camera -.- good ol times :) pictures taken were damn yellow idk why. dumb camera -.-

the people who made me such a bitch hmmph. but had the best intentions :)

for the whole 5 years in high school, i have never ever let myself said, "im going to miss high school" but yeah, now im eating back my words.

high school was the place you could be yourself. protected from the outside world. high school meant being yourself. you fall down, there is bound to be people helping you, you actually get not just 2nd chances, you get many many many chances. when you fall down, it's really the tiniest problem. i know i've grown so much more after leaving highschool, cause i've seen the world in a LITTLE BIT wider perspective (just a little). out here? it's all competition, everyone for themselves. i bet the same thing goes on in workplaces. though i wont say i've experience the worst of all worst, BUT, definitely worst for my own life, not yours nor anyone else's lol.

as much as i hate the system here, i am blessed that i schooled in malaysia, in a government school and in the worst pure science class. where the only way to fend for yourself, is to work together. no competition, no stress.

PMR? you can score by reading few weeks before, SPM? 5 credit is all you'll ever need. College? you just need the money and just a little bit more hard work.

then comes the real shit. uni. and work. but a working person would say, studying is the best. so i would keep my mouth shut on that this time. lol.

ahh okay! im done. outties. till tomorrow i think.

Patience, a virtue

2011-10-25T21:21:00.010+08:00

(when i say you, it isnt someone in particular, just things i saw. and i dont know how to phrase my sentence.)

I feel the need to explain things that i do, you may say,

"you dont have to please everyone" or, "you dont have to care what people think of you"

have you firstly, put yourself in my position? there is no one beside me, who knows me for who i am. who knows the reason for my actions. because i know no one would stand up for me or with me.

think about this, would you do all those crazy/embarrassing shit if it weren't for a bestfriend doing it WITH you? you fall down or did smtg embarrassing, you have someone to laugh at/with you.

you're so damn lucky you can say, "thanks for those who stood beside me" after you've gone through all that terrible terrible shit.

maybe this is why, i needed God. to make me learn and understand the importance of letting go ALL my ego, and of everything. still learning.

i can never ever admit this to anyone. but, gotta learn right? to accept this, only then i'll learn.

everyday of my life for the past few months, i only have my boyf to talk to.

i go to uni, classes, yeah one or two ppl i barely know. where i only have assignments to talk about. no matter how much effort i put into knowing them, or striking up a conversation.

and thank God i've met just one person who i can relate to in uni. and on good days that i get to talk to the friend i've met, just a simple short convo, makes my day. and then i thank God that i get to at least talk. despite all that, i realized i spend more time with my best friend in overseas. i spend more time talking to people i've neglected in the past. eventhough it's only through online.

you feel alone? feel this. everyday, you only have 2 person to talk to in real life. sometimes, i wish people would appreciate the company they have around them. i never ever want anyone in this position.

i do get angry when i see people complain about this. complain about how they feel so alone, because i used to do this when i have an army of people behind me supporting me, but now, i only ask for just people to have a simple conversation. im not even asking for a best friend. im not even asking for an ear to listen to all my stupid problems. im asking for a simple conversation. and stupid enough, i also get angry when i see ppl treating their friends in a very bad f-ed up way/not appreciating. and then boyf gotta remind me it's ppl's life, and that's how other ppl roll, and not everyone's thinking is the same. and it's definitely not MY business to scold ppl. lol. or perhaps judge. but really, how can i not be angry. i've said this once, 'only those who dont have what u have, would see how lucky you are.' dont they see how lucky they are? i know the same goes to me.

how lucky am i to get such a good boyfriend who cares so much, who never ever gave up on me when i abused myself, never lies, never cheat, never ever did anything behind my back, gives me all of his time because i have no one else to hang out with

and where i get the phone i want, the camera i want, drive a nice car, nice house, dont have to work to support myself.

bt then again, God knows what i needed, may not be what i want. Time apart from people, society. until i can stand perfectly on my own feet, firmly on the ground.

and then, sometimes, when i cant take it being so alone, i would think im not trying hard enough, and not accepting God's wishes. i yearn so badly for this. and i think, maybe my smile isnt wide enough to feel approachable, maybe, im a very boring person. or maybe im just awkward like that and ppl feel uncomfortable around me. maybe the problem really, lies in me.

sometimes when im just so weak on thoughts like this, i get angry at God for keeping me to Himself for so long. but, Hazel, patience. :) good things comes to people who wait. Australia waits. and i must be strong on this, God has plans for me.

and in the meantime, i'll be under God's care; protected, loved. reminding myself, that God wants me to be stronger on my own. to grow mentally on my own. with His help.

2011-10-25T19:53:00.001+08:00

taken from tumblr

workin on mah bloggie hommiez.

a thank you note to our Father in Heaven :)

2011-10-25T12:11:00.007+08:00

So im using this old link, deleted all my previous post because it's a very dark side, not the take drug dark side thing. as in negative suicidal thoughts, as dramatic as it sounds.

As much as i treasure every moment of my life and as they say an online journal, "an investment in memory", i would pretty much like to leave that past behind. Im not proud of what i've done to myself. Not proud of what went through my thoughts.

Recently i've been feeling very alone. Lonely. It may be a blessing in disguise as i stepped back from reality, from all the drama, from everything, from everyone, and just took a hard look at my life and my surroundings in another perspective. And my my how wrong i was in everything. From the way i judge things and people, from how hypocritical i am, from my temper issues and how i dealt with it, from how i deal with negativity.

Im still working extra hard on things like this, i still have slip ups. I still swear like a mad bitch occasionally but i never, never ever, torture myself physically anymore. Or mentally.

Perhaps i grew stronger i don't know. Mentally, that is. I learnt how to not judge things too quickly, i learnt that we don't have to dislike anyone that does things that we don't like, i learn that we should put God first because He makes things better, someway, somehow.

And wtheck i just typed this in 5 mins. i really need to like, talk more to people. But that's the problem with me, i dont know who is willing to listen to all these boring talks. Because i also learn that, not everyone is going to treat you like a princess, no matter how dominant your attitude is. No matter how stubborn you are. No matter how highly you think of yourself -not everyone is going to tolerate that.

I learnt it the hard way. By pissing people off, by driving people out of my life when the truth is, i really need someone. This ego of mine, im putting it down. Slowly, naturally.

Which brings me to this point,

Perhaps God wants more of my time, because in this period, i've really found God. like, really really. I am still new to this, and sometimes i get intimidated by people who knows more of God than me. I found God because of things that happened to me. I used to think of the misfortunes and why me, why me. What i craved was attention from friends, whether for care, for companion, or just, just simple attention. Not the kind of drama attention, but just not being invincible. But what i've realized these few months is that, i am very blessed that God paid attention to me. that, God actually sent someone to pray for me so i will find Him. I am truly blessed. Instead of looking for things im not happy with, or things that i don't have, i started looking at things that made me happy. Things that God blessed me with. As simple as it can be.

-My own family, for everything they've done.

-My boyfriend is what i feel blessed for, every single day when i wake up. I can never thank God for sending him into my life. Not just for someone to love me BUT,

-My boyfriend's family, because they accepted me and brought me to church.

-For friends that actually cared before, yet left. I learn not to blame them but myself because it was never their responsibility to tolerate.

Because i understand this. It took me 19 years to understand this --that sometimes, i am blessed even though i didn't have the things that i want, because, as cliche as it sounds, it is true, that God knows what's best for me whether or not i want the things that i am given. Just like my parents, and just like boyf.

I've been trying to connect with God, trying to have simple FAITH, but i couldn't because i focused more on abiding the rules and forcing myself to repent my sins, RATHER then letting God in, depending on him. Because all along, I've been depending on myself, to abide to His rules. Because this simple theory explains it all. The more you remind yourself not to do it, the more you will think about it. The more chances of you doing it again. So this time, i let myself into God's hands. I let God in my life and let Him guide me. and trust me, it works. if it doesn't, you're lying to yourself about letting Him in.

Although i have thoughts of going back to how i was because i just couldn't stand the situation now sometimes, i just have to praise God for what he have done, i thank God, i think of the blessings (disguised or not), negatives becomes positives.

Which is also why im writting this, because i've been feeling very negative these few days with finals and stuff. As im writting this, i feel like the heavy stone in my heart-- lifted. And until now, i've yet to talk about any of my current problems. Just a simple thank you note to God, just to remind myself how lucky i am to have God taking care of me.

I put everything in God's hands now. I put my studies, my life, my path, even my relationship. Because i truly truly put Him first. Because i believe He knows whats best for me. And i believe He listens to every little prayer.

So thank God for everything that i have now, thank God for turning my negatives into positives. Thank GOD, for saving me. loving me.